This Forever Family

It’s official.  Chip and I are officially the parents of Charles David Killian.  The papers are signed, the deal is done, and we are now parents.  It has been a long road, but now I know that it was one worth taking.  We are more thrilled than we know how to express and we truly believe that God brought us to this point.

David (as we are going to call him) was born on Feb. 14, 2010.  He was born at 34 weeks and weighed in at only 4 lbs 15 oz.  He was having trouble with the sucking reflex and was brought to the NICU.  Of course, all of this happened before we even knew we would be the parents.

Bethany called us yesterday, Feb. 16, 2010, around 3:00pm to basically tell us that we were now parents.  Because of the fact that we had been one of the longest waiting couples and some other criteria the birthmother put forth, we were chosen by Bethany to be the adoptive parents.  After hearing the news, Chip finished up some things at work and we then drove to Indianapolis where David is staying and checked in with the nurses.  We were first introduced to David around 7:00pm and of course were overjoyed.  We stayed with him for a few hours that night and then went to our room to at least get a little bit of sleep.  We woke up again at 4:45am to give him his 5am feeding and then went back to the room for a little more R&R and to shower and get ready for the day.  We came back to the room this morning at around 8am and fed him again, then headed to Bethany to sign our paperwork.  We also made a quick stop at Babies R Us to pick up a few preemie outfits that he can wear while he stays in the hospital.  Since then we have spent some time holding and feeding him and just enjoying the fact that we have a new son.

This journey has been a long and hard road for us, but I feel like the real journey is just beginning.  We are thankful to all of our friends, family, and especially God for bringing this precious child into our lives.  We will post more later when we know a bit more about when he might be coming home.  But, here are some pictures we wanted to share with you all!!

With the continual possibility of an adoption at nearly any point in time, scheduling and planning always has a special challenge.  Not to say that we have expectations of the adoption at any point, but since we should always be ready, it is hard to plan anything which might be problematic if something were to come up quickly.  Vacation planning is like this—we have to worry first about the possibility that an adoption could occur before the trip, and second that it might prevent us from taking the trip.

Since fitness centers often have you sign very long contracts (1-2 years), we were worried that this endeavor would be the same way.  We have been considering looking for a fitness center because Kristina wants to take some group classes, and I wanted to find a pool I could swim in.  Overall, we both want to get in better shape, and a fitness center seems to be a good way to encourage us to work on that.  But since the adoption could come before the end of the contract period, we were worried we would get into the contract, and end up not making use of the opportunity.

We were pleasantly surprised to find out then, that both of the fitness centers in our area provide, as a part of normal dues, the option of watching your kids for you while you work out.  Granted, they won’t change diapers or feed the baby, but they will watch them, and make sure they are doing okay.  For somewhat older kids, they have toys and games and such, so they will watch kids from 6 weeks up to 12 years.

So we have now joined a local gym.  This morning we spent 40 minutes working out, and I spent that time swimming in the pool.  I am now exhausted from it, and will probably be sore tomorrow.  It amazes me just how out of swimming shape I am!  Hopefully I will work my way back into better shape.  My plan is to swim on the mornings I don’t have class.

And, if we do adopt sooner, we know we can bring the baby to the club with us while we work out!

So it’s been 8 weeks now.  It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long since the last post.  I get asked a lot how we’re doing.  Sometimes, I’m not even thinking about the failed adoption, and I respond with how things are going at the moment, which is generally pretty good.  Other times, I respond that there are good days and bad days.  Preparing for the holidays has been hard, since I had been visualizing going through the holidays with a new baby.

It’s also hard because so many people around us are either pregnant, or have a new baby.  However, I’ve realized that it’s not the baby itself which affects me, but everything else.  The other day, we had gone to a Christmas event in downtown Lafayette, and ran into some friends-of-friends, and their baby.  But it was the stroller which nearly brought me to tears–the idea of how we could have been pushing the stroller ourselves down main street.

The now-painted nursery has also been a trouble for me.  We’ve left the door closed, and I still have no interest in going back in there yet.  Kristina seems to be doing better in that regard.  On the other hand, I also don’t have much need to go in there, so it is not that big of an issue.

Overall, we are doing well, under the circumstances.  We are back to waiting for our next match, and for God to show us his path for us.  Meanwhile, please keep us in your prayers.

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that we were matched with a birth mother.

The baby was born Tuesday morning, but the birth mother decided this morning that she was going to parent the baby instead of going through with the adoption plan.  Apparently, she had a friend stop by late last night who offered her an “option” — taking in her and the baby — where before she had seen none.  We are still very upset of course, but are now trying to work through this loss.

This is a great time to point out the fragility of adoption.  One of the reasons we keep adoption information so close to the belt is that there are too many ways that an adoption plan can fall apart, and all the counseling in the world cannot prevent that.  While we are sure we would have made great parents for this child, we have to just pray that the birth mother is able to work through her challenges to be a good parent to this child; meanwhile, we have to grieve so that we can move on to the next adoption opportunity.  We remain convinced that we will eventually be great parents to a wonderful child, it is just a matter of waiting for God’s plan to unfold in God’s time.  (We just wish God would share a bit more of the plan with us so we can prepare ourselves better).

So please just be aware and sensitive of this around us in the near term, as we begin the adoption process once again.

Thank you,
Chip and Kristina

First, let me explain what the Adoption Triad is.  The Adoption Triad refers to the birthfamily, adoptive family, and adopted child.  This relationship has many levels depending on the circumstances surrounding the adoption.  As we’ve mentioned in the past, our pending adoption (if it goes through) will be an open adoption.  That means we will exchange pictures and letters and will visit the birthfamily a few times a year.

In addition, an open adoption frequently means that the adoptive parents have received a lot of information about the birthfamily. As in all relationships, there is a level of trust that builds between a birthfamily and an adoptive family.  There is a certain level of respect that we extend to the birthfamily and that we expect from them.  In this vain, there are certain questions about the birthfamily that we may not answer or for which we may give a generic answer, out of respect for the birthfamily.

In addition, there are certain things that all parents want to share with their children before telling anyone else.  This is no different for adoptive parents.  There are certain aspects of an adopted child’s birthfamily, that need to be shared with the child before other people know.  Also, there may be certain things that we will leave up to the child to tell others because we feel that it is their decision how and when to share.

So, if you ask us a question and you receive a somewhat generic response, it might be because we feel that it is not something we should share with others, out of respect for both the birthfamily and our adopted child.

No updates yet.

Most of us have seen TV shows and movies which included adoption, and so have some image of adoption.  In this image, usually adoption is something which is done quietly, trying to keep it as much a secret as possible, to the extent of making up back-stories about how the baby was born.

This image usually carries over to how an “open” or “semi-open” adoption should work too.  People acknowledge that in an open adoption, there is exchange of some personal information and possibly contact information, but imagine that beyond that, contact in the adoption is in the form of sterile meetings at infrequent intervals where the birth mother can see the baby for brief periods of time.

Accordingly, people are surprised to learn that we have met with, in person, our birth mother on 3 occasions.  Only 1 of those occasions was under the supervision of the adoption agency.  Additionally, we talk to her periodically on the phone to get updates on how she’s doing.  Many adoption specialists now believe that it is best for all parties involved if there is open communication between the adoptive family and the birth family.  This allows relationships to build, for the child to learn first hand that all of his or her parents are making the best loving choices for the child.  It also simplifies challenges with respect to heritage and genetics which are not fully always satisfied by information solely from adoptive parents.  This shift in open adoption strategies reflects the change from an open adoption being a “compromise” to make birth parents more willing to make an adoption plan, to the idea that openness has far-reaching psychological benefits for the adoption triad (the birth family, the adoptive family, and the child).

One related concern is the idea that we don’t want to get too close to the birth family at this stage when the adoption might not even take place.  While this is a valid concern, not using this time to get to know the birth family, to build relationships, to assure all that we can trust each other, would be too high a penalty to pay for trying to stay isolated.  The reality is of course that even without building these relationships, everyone will be upset if something happens.  It’s too late to prevent ourselves from being hurt.

So we all need to change our outlooks and expectations.  We hope that the birth family will be a part of our lives for some time to come.  It’s best for the birth family, it’s best for us, and it’s best for the child.  So don’t be surprised if we spend time with the birth family, if we include them in things, or our communication with the family is particularly open.  We’re all trying to do what’s best for the child, and that’s what’s most important.

Here is a more recent picture of the nursery.

If you’ve looked at our online profile lately you’ll notice that it now says “Placement Pending.”  We were matched in August and decided to keep it a little low key until it got a little closer to the due date.  The birthmother we are matched with is due on Oct. 9, so really, it could be any day now.  We are very excited and anxious about the upcoming arrival and we will let everyone know when it is official.

We have started painting the nursery and I decided we should post a picture here.  We’ll post more as the nursery is finished, but here is one to start you out.  If you can’t tell from the picture, the top is a sky blue and the bottom is a primary red.  Our theme for the nursery is the alphabet.  We think it’s turning out really nice so far and we can’t wait to see what it looks like when we’re completely finished!!  Enjoy the picture and we’ll post more later.