So you can now see our profile online here.
Respectful Adoption Language
One of the things which they cover in our adoption preparation classes is the use of respectful, or positive adoption language. There is, in our culture, something called “Adoptism”, which is a lot like any other “ism”, where people are prejudiced against a certain group of people. Just like many other “isms”, this often is something people aren’t even aware of. But it’s very obvious in questions asked of the child, such as “have you ever met your ‘real’ mother?” It’s the idea that adoption is a second-class way to build a family, and adoptive parents are lesser parents than those who bring children into their families biologically. So one of the important ways we can combat adoptism is to promote the use of positive language when talking to families built through adoption and when talking about adoption in general.
What people using such statements don’t realize is how much pain they can cause members of an adoptive family. An adopted child does indeed have two families, each important in their own right. Our blog title is in fact based out of this language—an adopted child has both a “first” family and a “forever” family. The goal is to be respectful to both situations, and to talk about them in a way that let’s everyone know that an adopted child is being loved and cared about by both families.
Below are links to some articles we have found about positive adoption language that we will be using when talking about adoption. We don’t necessarily think everyone should memorize these list of terms, but we did want to make sure everyone close to us understands how the way we talk about adoption can affect those in the adoption community. We would also happily discuss any questions anyone has about this topic.
http://www.perspectivespress.com/pjpal.html
http://fellowshipzone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=36&t=1634&p=19832
What's a Match Meeting?
Since the period between now and placement will be mostly waiting and praying, we thought we would write about a variety of adoption related topics. This might be discussing the process, things we find interesting, reflections on articles we read in adoptive books and magazines, or just posts about how we’re feeling. One such topic involves a part of the process at Bethany: the “Match Meeting”.
Now, every adoption agency does this part of the process a little differently. At Bethany, the matching process begins with the profile that each couple prepares. You can see ours on this site (see the links to the side) if you haven’t already. Next, no earlier than a birth mother’s 6th month or so (possibly later depending on her specific process), Bethany looks at a Mother’s (and Father’s where possible) preferences, and matches that up with the background acceptance statement that each couple makes. The background acceptance statement is basically how a couple indicates their openness to different kinds of adoptions, from race to risks and other preferences. A Bethany birth-parent counselor then meets with the Birth-Mother, and shows her all the profiles of appropriate waiting couples. She, along with any of her supporting family or friends look through these profiles, and pick out who they think would best parent their child. Possibly, they pick out an additional couple as well, but Bethany asks that the mother make a first choice.
Bethany then arranges a “match meeting”, a face-to-face meeting (when time permits) between the birth-family and the waiting couple, to be held at a neutral location the birth-family is comfortable with. The match meeting is attended by the waiting couple, the birth-mother (and someone to support her at her discretion), and the birth-mother’s counselor from Bethany. We had originally thought that the adoptive couple counselor might be invited too, but in our preparation, Bethany explained that it was very important for the waiting couple to not outnumber the birth family support, as that can be intimidating. At the meeting, everyone talks. We describe ourselves, and the birth mother describes herself. It’s a time for each of us to ask questions, though of course some questions are not appropriate. We are told that it is generally a very emotional meeting, which makes sense when you think about it. Everyone needs each other — the birth-mother is looking for a couple to parent her child, and the waiting couple needs a birth-mother for the selection. A lot rides on this decision, and everyone is scared and hopeful at the same time. At this point, though the birth-mother has chosen the waiting couple, there is no match yet. The point of the meeting is to help everyone be comfortable with the match. But everyone comes into the meeting vulnerable, hoping to make the perfect match and hoping that everyone likes each other, but everyone has the concern that it won’t work out.
This is also why it is critical for our profile to reflect who we are accurately. A waiting couple is selected based on their profile, but the match meeting makes the whole situation more real, and gives everyone that personal connection. If our profile is not who we are, then the match meeting can be one of the most awkward and disappointing situations imaginable.
After the meeting concludes, the birth-parent counselor talks first with the waiting couple, and then the birth-family, to get their impression of how the meeting went. If everything went well, and the birth-mother wants to make a match, the waiting couple is notified and their profile is placed on hold for the duration.
We're approved!!
We received our official approval letter from Bethany on Saturday, July 11, 2009. At this point, we will be mailing back the form (which simply says we agree to everything we’ve already been told about the process) and initial payment. The initial payment pays for the homestudy process we just completed and marketing/advertising they will be doing on our behalf. Once they receive those, they will begin showing our profile to birthmothers. And so the waiting begins. It could be a few months or it could be over a year. We just don’t have any idea at this point and in reality, the only person who has control over this is God. So, we pray that He provides us with the patience and trust to get through this waiting period, knowing at the end we will be parents and begin the next phase of our lives.