Month: October 2009

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that we were matched with a birth mother.

The baby was born Tuesday morning, but the birth mother decided this morning that she was going to parent the baby instead of going through with the adoption plan.  Apparently, she had a friend stop by late last night who offered her an “option” — taking in her and the baby — where before she had seen none.  We are still very upset of course, but are now trying to work through this loss.

This is a great time to point out the fragility of adoption.  One of the reasons we keep adoption information so close to the belt is that there are too many ways that an adoption plan can fall apart, and all the counseling in the world cannot prevent that.  While we are sure we would have made great parents for this child, we have to just pray that the birth mother is able to work through her challenges to be a good parent to this child; meanwhile, we have to grieve so that we can move on to the next adoption opportunity.  We remain convinced that we will eventually be great parents to a wonderful child, it is just a matter of waiting for God’s plan to unfold in God’s time.  (We just wish God would share a bit more of the plan with us so we can prepare ourselves better).

So please just be aware and sensitive of this around us in the near term, as we begin the adoption process once again.

Thank you,
Chip and Kristina

First, let me explain what the Adoption Triad is.  The Adoption Triad refers to the birthfamily, adoptive family, and adopted child.  This relationship has many levels depending on the circumstances surrounding the adoption.  As we’ve mentioned in the past, our pending adoption (if it goes through) will be an open adoption.  That means we will exchange pictures and letters and will visit the birthfamily a few times a year.

In addition, an open adoption frequently means that the adoptive parents have received a lot of information about the birthfamily. As in all relationships, there is a level of trust that builds between a birthfamily and an adoptive family.  There is a certain level of respect that we extend to the birthfamily and that we expect from them.  In this vain, there are certain questions about the birthfamily that we may not answer or for which we may give a generic answer, out of respect for the birthfamily.

In addition, there are certain things that all parents want to share with their children before telling anyone else.  This is no different for adoptive parents.  There are certain aspects of an adopted child’s birthfamily, that need to be shared with the child before other people know.  Also, there may be certain things that we will leave up to the child to tell others because we feel that it is their decision how and when to share.

So, if you ask us a question and you receive a somewhat generic response, it might be because we feel that it is not something we should share with others, out of respect for both the birthfamily and our adopted child.

No updates yet.

Most of us have seen TV shows and movies which included adoption, and so have some image of adoption.  In this image, usually adoption is something which is done quietly, trying to keep it as much a secret as possible, to the extent of making up back-stories about how the baby was born.

This image usually carries over to how an “open” or “semi-open” adoption should work too.  People acknowledge that in an open adoption, there is exchange of some personal information and possibly contact information, but imagine that beyond that, contact in the adoption is in the form of sterile meetings at infrequent intervals where the birth mother can see the baby for brief periods of time.

Accordingly, people are surprised to learn that we have met with, in person, our birth mother on 3 occasions.  Only 1 of those occasions was under the supervision of the adoption agency.  Additionally, we talk to her periodically on the phone to get updates on how she’s doing.  Many adoption specialists now believe that it is best for all parties involved if there is open communication between the adoptive family and the birth family.  This allows relationships to build, for the child to learn first hand that all of his or her parents are making the best loving choices for the child.  It also simplifies challenges with respect to heritage and genetics which are not fully always satisfied by information solely from adoptive parents.  This shift in open adoption strategies reflects the change from an open adoption being a “compromise” to make birth parents more willing to make an adoption plan, to the idea that openness has far-reaching psychological benefits for the adoption triad (the birth family, the adoptive family, and the child).

One related concern is the idea that we don’t want to get too close to the birth family at this stage when the adoption might not even take place.  While this is a valid concern, not using this time to get to know the birth family, to build relationships, to assure all that we can trust each other, would be too high a penalty to pay for trying to stay isolated.  The reality is of course that even without building these relationships, everyone will be upset if something happens.  It’s too late to prevent ourselves from being hurt.

So we all need to change our outlooks and expectations.  We hope that the birth family will be a part of our lives for some time to come.  It’s best for the birth family, it’s best for us, and it’s best for the child.  So don’t be surprised if we spend time with the birth family, if we include them in things, or our communication with the family is particularly open.  We’re all trying to do what’s best for the child, and that’s what’s most important.